Note to self

Note to self: Cloud 10 interview 3/5 5 pm MST/7PM EST Phone interview

Writer's Block: It's Hard to Describe

I struggle to describe my feelings and emotions. I find it hard to articulate a lot of things.

What I’m about to say…

Is painful even for me to write.  Because when I write it down it makes it real and it’s permanent. Because then I have to say it.  I was talking to my roommate and between the two of us talking we were able to figure out exactly when the switch flipped, when I became cold and numb.  I remember the exact moment it happened.  It happened when I was stabbed in the back, betrayed, and judged by someone I considered a sister.  I trusted this person with my life; they were my friend only “because she thought she had to be.” rather than be a genuine human being towards me.

I have PTSD, depression, and anxiety.  It is NOT a crutch or an excuse.  It’s a fact. If you’d like to see my psychological evaluation, I’d be more than happy to provide proof.   These issues are in my face and on my skin 24/7/365.  I am on medication to STABALIZE myself.  You wouldn’t criticize a diabetic for taking their insulin every day, would you?

It was said to me once, “try exercising more.  you should do x and x because it will help increase your mobility.”  When I respond honestly by saying, “I’m sorry, I can’t do that.” it’s because I CAN’T PHYSICALLY DO WHAT YOU’VE ASKED ME TO.  Spend a day with me, see how I live, and then make a judgement. Don’t you DARE call me lazy.  EVER.  I will knock you out if you say that.  Don’t step up unless you can’t handle it.  Everyday tasks are my therapy.  Brushing teeth, feeding, putting on makeup, getting a drink, going to the bathroom, etc.  EVERY SINGLE task I do for my well-being is my therapy.  Not to go too much into TMI here, but I can partially dress myself, it just takes too damn long to do it in the AM when I have places to go.

I am getting the help I need.  I see a psychologist twice a week and take 150 mg of Zoloft daily.  Part of me has died irrevocably because of this; I no longer trust.  My world is even crueler now, but that’s how life goes a lot of the time.   I am going back to school, I’m paying my bills, and I am living the best way I know how.  Treat me as a human being, and I’ll do the same.  Anything less, well, you do the math.

I don’t whine, or complain a lot.  I have it pretty decently compared to some.  Yes, I could be better off financially; that’s a long road ahead of me and I’m workin’ on it.

And others wonder why I don’t deal well with people these days….

Hi, you've reached…

You've reached my LJ space.  If you are on my friends list, please add the LJ user rainsyn to your lists if you haven't already as direct LJ updates to this space will be infrequent for a while, but I WILL be reading

Let’s try this again shall we?

Computers are crazy.  That is all for now.  Me go boom.

For some reason

The web ate my post…

Untwisting the cap a little…

While writing this, I was listening to “To Capture One’s Own” by Dog the Bounty Hunter

I am a DTBH fan; I have been since I started watching the show back in late ‘06.  I used to come home from psychotherapy and later that same night I’d tune in and watch. It was therapy.  Honest, down to earth; it was exactly the additional boost I needed. 

I’ve typed sentences and backspaced them three or four times so far.  I feel so disconnected from the world I can’t even begin to articulate what I’m feeling.  It’s been so long since I’ve written for me.  Pure from the heart, not caring what others think.

To do that I need to loosen the cap a little.  Talk a little bit each day.  I hold things in because of many reasons.  It’s what I’m used to.  It’s what I know.  Hopefully I can change that a little at a time.

Checking in…

Lot to do today, and later on there may be a more substance-like post, but a math quiz beckons, so off I go!

Fuck fuck fuckity fuck fuckeroni :(

So far I have a 2.5 GPA….
Must do better..:(

GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

*Insert garbled frustrated noises here*
I've had it with my history class.  I dropped the sonofabitch because the prof is a DICK.  Rude, unhelpful, and very standoffish and inaccessible.  So rather than fail, I dropped it.
THANK GOD!
I can handle a full classload, but not when one of my profs is an ass.
Must remember to send disability registration form in for summer semester so that the school actually knows I'm disabled.  Call dr's office and get letter and copy of psych eval THIS WEEK!