Because I'm bored…

Are there any dates that are of great significance to you in your life?  List 5:
January 10, 1999-my grandma's passing
June 12, 2002-The last time I was reunited with my birth father
November 12, 1996-The date of my divorce
February 14, 2003-The death of my birth father.  I haven't been right since.  I miss him terribly.
Favorite drink of the moment: vitamin water/pepsi/GOOD coffee
Special event coming up: After 11 years of not working, I will be starting employment from home.  When one door closes, another opens if you push, or are pushed hard enough
How are you feeling right now: like I'm perpetually stuck in the twilight zone
What do you believe in:  Honestly, there's not much anymore I do believe in, cept the fact that as a species we are all fundamentally insane, just in different degrees…
Foods you won't touch if your life depended on it: Liver and onions, pickled herring, shellfish, and anything I can't pronounce.

So…

For those that aren't in the know…
After 11 years of unemployment, I have a job…
No job coach, no VR counselor…but I did hear about it through NTI….
http://www.nticentral.org/
National Telecommuting Institute, Inc.

I applied once through them, was contacted, and then referred to the actual company's website.  (If any of you want the link, message me through here, and I will send it your way.)
I am an actual employee, and not an IC…
I start on the 28th, $8.50/hr 30 hrs a week
I can't tell you what a blessing this is, good mojo would be appreciated that I sail through training and certify, and do well in general.  I damn near wept when they told me I was hired.
I can still attend school, pay my bills, and keep Medicaid….
Now I just need to pace myself….

Writer's Block: Back in Time

If I could time travel….
First I'd visit the late 1800's-1920s, and then I would visit the 1940s, because I want to track down a pilot or two and meet them

Oh my Christ on a half shell

Some humans should never be allowed to work for counties.  In this case, boys and girls, I refer to the New Dork State Onondaga county office that governs my aide service…
Short, short version: Nurse comes to eval me.  Case worker is there too for back up (go half German and polish dude that is slightly mouthy, and VERY easy on the eyes, too damn bad he's married, ah well)  Nurse is el-flake-o central, barely covers care plan.  That was on the 11th.  Today she calls to go over information.  Quoted the WRONG doctor/address and I.C.E contact when I had given them to her on the 11th.  I don't care if you're Sally Social worker who's fresh off the damn assembly line.  HAVE SOME COMMON SENSE AND KNOW BASIC INFO!

Oh wait, I forgot, this is New Dork State.  I'm going to call my case manager and get some advice on how to deal with her, because if I'm not careful, I'll rip her a new one XD

I understand they deal with a lot of clients, I understand the concept of human error, but CHRIST it irritates me when they mess up paperwork so simple a monkey could do it.
It's times like this when I wish I could ask my gram for advice.  How the hell she dealt with morons is still beyond me.  I wish I had her gift.

The demon rises again

I have a lot of anger inside me.  Sometimes it consumes me like a dark flame; dancing, taunting, almost primal.  Begging me to give in.  I also have bitterness.  Mainly for what I’ve lost(that’s fading, thankfully), but lately, the bitterness exists because I see others achieve what I claw and fight for.  Healthy, loving, romantic relationships that include a home and children.  Each day that goes by drives the knife further into my heart.  I’m not getting any younger. Countless nights I fall into a deep, heavy, dreamless sleep, too tired to cry, and too numb to care.  The pain is soul deep, a dark shard is wedged there.  I can’t even begin to describe the hurt.

I know he’s out there.  But when he’ll show up, I have no the hell idea.

A relationship for me is NOT a cure all, nor is it a band-aid.  I just wish for someone to stand by me, and journey WITH me as I heal.  I’m working on happiness for and within myself, but having that someone special would be meaningful, and a gift I wouldn’t take for granted.

Stress due to trauma

That’s the (broad) topic I’ve chosen for my term paper this term.  I love the psych class, my German class, and my time management class; I can’t STAND my math class.  But I resolve to pass, because I have to.

My anxiety and stress levels are slightly higher than normal but there’s a lot of numbing and disassociation; and that’s not good.  It’s mild enough I can work through it but strong enough it’s impairing my ability to concentrate.  I’ve not even had the inclination to write.  Why?  I’ll tell you, even though you may not care.

I haven’t been arsed to write simply because I don’t know how to put into words for a layman what exactly I’m going through without sounding like a whiny bitch or a self-serving prat;  I’m tired of hiding it.  I’m tired of pretending.  If you don’t like it, you know where the bloody “X” is on your browser. 

I have mental illness.  It hurts for me to say that but it’s raw, it’s the truth.  It hurts because of the stigma.  Add to this the fact that I have a physical disability as well (Cerebral Palsy) and you’ve got quite the mix.

I live the best way I know how.  I’ve dealt with this since I was 21.  I’m now 33, and only just last year swallowed what little pride I had left, and sought help.  I’m now on medicine, and in psychotherapy.  Thank Gods for both, or I’d be dead.  No, really.

I’ve returned to college to pursue a Bachelors’ in Science in Psychology; gods willing after that I’ll be going for a Masters Degree so that I’ll be able to actually counsel.

For right now though, a bit of review and relaxation, then try to sleep.