Even now I worry about what impact my behavior has on the ones who care about me

I’m scared after writing that last post.  That’s why I hold it all in.  If I do, then I won’t lose friends; but on the other hand there’s times I want to be alone and let the scars show, and let them heal.

Pinpricks of light in a miasma of dark

I’ve had it.  I’m at my wits end.  I’m angry, I’m hurt; I’m very, very disillusioned.  If you don’t want to read this type of content, then don’t.  Period.  I appreciate those that do read this journal.

I can’t even really begin to voice my anger.  I don’t have the right words.  I hate and I hurt, at the same time. I’m teetering on the edge of giving up on people entirely; but I really can’t because it’s well, sort of my destiny.

I’m sorry, but I can’t forgive, ever.  I’m THAT pissed.  I need to put my feelings down or even try to voice what I’m feeling,

I hate, I hurt.  So intensely that I want to strike out and hurt those who have hurt me.  Those who have put me down, or condemned me because I don’t constantly “measure up” to their idea of a person.  But I know that will only garner ME more trouble.

I want to scream, but fear paralyzes my vocal cords.  I want to cry, but the tears don’t come.  I want to release all the pain, and I want to be heard, and taken seriously.  Not accused, not called names, just heard. 

What I’m about to talk about…

May not be a suitable topic for some.  If you have an open mind; please, read on. If it bugs you, too damn bad, don’t read my blog.

I know now that he’s always been with me.  Ever since I was a teenager.  We disagree, but I know he has my best interests at heart.  HE HAS SHOWN ME my inner strength.  More than once, he’s told me “I’m always with you, whether you know it or not.”  His positive, stern, and loving influence have helped me to help myself.  I cannot imagine my life without it. Nor can I imagine my life without my grandparents’ love.  I miss them every day; but I know they’re in a better place now and together once again.

I am a believer in the paranormal and the unexplained, but I also know that this is real, not made up.  The facts I have are verifiable.  This ability to sense others that have passed on and heightened intuition runs in my family.

I thank the gods and Spirit for this ability, and look forward to learning, and growing even more.

On another note, I haven’t smoked a cigarette all day.

Study is as study does

Managed to get some studying done, even in my current state of mind.  Have to keep this up, because I want to knock the first 2 projects out of the way for my classes well before they’re due.  I could use a cigarette and a drink, but that’ll have to wait for another day. 

The anger is still within me, but not boiling.  Instead, it creeps along my bare skin like a cool chill, a serene calm within.  My skin crawls, but not from anger.  From anxiety, too much damned coffee; who knows. 

I feel clear-headed though there are pieces of me that are floating inside of me, trying to find where they belong once again.

I still need to do the letters;  it will be hard at first, but they need to be written, archived.  If nothing else to further my declaration of independence.  Deal with the pain in pieces, so it can dissolve into the past for good.

I need to start studying Voudoun again.  It’s wonderful and has so much potential for me.  Potential for good.

I have so much more I want to write but I’m not sure putting anything in words will really reveal the total magnitude of exactly what I’m feeling.  It’s all so deep, wedged inside of me like a demon.

Here ye, hear ye, people across the land

Didn’t think I’d have to do this here in the USA, but here goes:

Jessica’s Bill of Rights

1.  I have the right to live as I see fit, and do so peacefully.

2.  I have the right to pursue, and enjoy any legal hobby  of my choosing without interference or harassment.

3.  I have the right to express my opinions.

4.  I have the right to live, love, and be happy.

5.  I have the right to speak up and be heard, whether or not you agree is no longer of any consequence to me.

6.  I have the right to live in comfort and safety.

7.  I have the right to leave any situation I deem detrimental (that means bad) to my physical, emotional, and psychological well-being.

8.  I have the right to personal space.

9.  I have the right to the same basic needs as every other human on this rock,  Food, shelter, clothing, clean water.

10. I have the right to look after myself anytime or any place, without question or restraint that is beyond socially acceptable norms.

Since there are those in this world that seem to think wheelchair = subhuman or invalid, I decided to spell things out for them.

Ciao!

Peace…relatively speaking and other odd bits

I’ve begun limiting my internet time to school, hobbies research, and gaming.  So far it’s been peaceful, so I think I’m going to keep it that way.

I am who I am, and I will be who I will be. Period.  Non-negotiable.

My lifestyle, my hobbies, and my views are not up for discussion or negotiation.

Aviation: 12 yrs of age

Martial arts and The Orient: age 12

History (family and otherwise) 13 years old

20th century history (European-WWII front) age 15

Ghosts and the paranormal: age 4

Music (Rammstein and other German metal): age 23

Langiuages(all but German) age 14

German language: age 16

Do I need to go on?  GET OFF MY BACK, and let me BE!

I don’t harangue others about their interests, similiar or not.  In fact, similiar interests are TEH AWESOME

I am independent, mentally so, and I’ve been “doing things on my own” mentally as far as i can remember when it comes to hobbies.  What, 30 years now?

Yep, book writing is in order. Buh-bye now.

Back in the saddle again

Back up to twice a week for counseling.  That’s a good thing.  Absolutely gorgeous outside.  Next on my agenda is probably schoolwork, and other stuff I’ve been assigned to do.  And writing, hopefully.  Going to put in a good movie and tune noise out while I get shit done.

Toodles.

People are worse than heroin….

When it comes to running my life. I have this message for anybody that has told me what to do, how to live, etc. that HAS NO AUTHORITY TO DO SO:

GO FUCK YOURSELF.

Want it any clearer? I can translate it into several languages if you like.
*sweet smile*

Testing

Love is a powerful thing…

I just got off the phone with someone I love with my entire life; I feel more balanced, more centered, though I’m still a bit emotional.  I can’t wait to have him with me; I want my family around me.

I wish I could feel this way every day